Oh Satan you're a wily one. - Craig Ferguson
I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it. - Craig Ferguson
I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it - Craig Ferguson
There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin. - Craig Ferguson
You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex. - Craig Ferguson
I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway. - Craig Ferguson
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving. - Craig Ferguson
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'. - Craig Ferguson
That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil. - Craig Ferguson
Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness. - Craig Ferguson
It 's the time of year when Canadians mate. - Craig Ferguson
I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh. - Craig Ferguson
I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps. - Craig Ferguson
I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane. - Craig Ferguson
By the power of Steven Wright's Beard! - Craig Ferguson
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable. - Craig Ferguson
Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now? - Craig Ferguson
Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket. - Craig Ferguson
When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything. - Craig Ferguson
The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree. - Craig Ferguson
If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it! - Craig Ferguson
It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear. - Craig Ferguson
Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah. - Craig Ferguson
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to. - Craig Ferguson
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck. - Craig Ferguson
People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid. - Craig Ferguson
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist. - Craig Ferguson
I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling. - Craig Ferguson
You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass. - Craig Ferguson
The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight. - Craig Ferguson
Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know - Craig Ferguson
With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying. - Craig Ferguson
114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104. - Craig Ferguson
I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians. - Craig Ferguson